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    Let’s Talk About Sex

    Let’s talk about you and me… Let’s talk about all the good things and the bad things that may be. Let’s talk abooooooout it. Let’s talk about sex!

    Now, all my 90s hip hop lovers will remember this song by the good ole Salt N’ Peppa (and Spinderalla–she always got so much shade!!!). Growing up, this was one of my favorite songs. Why? I don’t know. I wasn’t having sex then but I think I just liked how they wanted to talk about it and no longer making it taboo. But you know, it still is. Or rather, sex and the married woman is what’s taboo. When I was single, there were more articles talking about sex and the single woman that I felt more prepared for what that lifestyle entailed. But now? As a married woman with 2 children I’m over here searching for the proverbial needle in a haystack!

    So let’s talk about it.

    Let's Talk About

    You Got Married–Now What?

    Prior to marriage, I’m not going to lie, our sex life was FIYAH!!! Now that’s not to say that it isn’t now. But prior to marriage things were a little different–we didn’t have to worry about a little one sleeping through the night, there was no little one waking us up at whatever hour they felt, well, hell, there was no little one! Everyone isn’t like us though, sometimes they wait a little bit longer to end up with child than we did but that’s besides the point. You’re married now and so often men joke about how now things in the bedroom change. Unfortunately and sadly I’ve heard that they’re right. Here’s the thing, sex SHOULD change after marriage! But it should be changing for the better. You’ve committed your life to this person and that’s THE most intimate thing that you could do. This means that the heat in the bedroom needs to turn up on a new level as well.

    Why?

    So here’s the thing, I’ve been reading these Cosmo tips on “how to please your man” and “10 things to blow his mind” and blah blah blah but why waste that on someone who you aren’t sharing your forever with? I’m a huge supporter of sex in marriage and the reason why is because this is the person that I’m loving with all of me–including her. After marriage, you should be blowing each other’s socks off.

    Oh Mama! Now there’s a baby!

    Babies happen. They do. And they change everything. And by everything I do mean every.single.thing. Quick and useful tips on how NOT to let the baby tear your girl up:

    1. Kegels
    2. Squats (Kegels are useless without these)
    3. The Elevator (I’ll go into more detail down below *giggle*)

    While you’re pregnant and after baby comes, keep doing these things. Your lady part is a muscle and needs to be toned post baby. Doing these 3 things will get/keep things right and tight as well as help out with any bladder issues that happen as a result of creating the most beautiful little person that you’ve set your eyes on. Do these often.

    Sadly, I often here that once my sistren have had their little bundles, sex is out the window. NO NO NO NO NO. I have more NO’s but I didn’t want there to be overkill. Ladies, we cannot stop having sex with our spouses after having baby! Yes, I know that we are sooooo enamored with this little person (to be read as exhausted) but we are more than just mothers! We are women! We have needs (whether you want to acknowledge them or not)!! And honestly speaking, so do our spouses. Many times one person in the marriage has the love language of physical affection. It might be you or it might be them either way, someone’s love language is NOT being spoken. This is going to lead to discourse in the marriage which no one wants.

    How Do You “Keep In Touch”?

    I totally chuckled at that lol. But that’s the thing–you have to keep touching. I don’t mean this in the sexual way but I do mean that constant physical touch is really important. It tends to lead to sex and this is a good thing. After we had abc and my 6 weeks were up, I didn’t get my groove back right away. In fact, although I was cleared for the nookie, between feeling like a cow and bouts of exhaustion, sex was the last thing on my mind……until I had it. Connecting with my man, my love, my husband reminded me that I was more than just the mom sitting in an enclosed space feeling like I was about to start moo-ing at any point in time as I was being double pumped. It was hard for us in the beginning because abc co-slept with us. But you know what, as much as I looooooooove my baby, I love my husband more and I value our intimacy.

    Sex isn’t as important to others as it is to me. I would be remiss if I were to make pretend to subscribe to the notion that “sex isn’t everything/sex doesn’t really matter”. It does. And it matters a lot to me and I think it’s ok to admit that. It’s natural for women to want to feel desired and wanted and lusted for. Why not have that feeling with your husband/spouse? Why not have fun with this person that has committed to loving you through the good and the bad? I say go for it.

    Quick Tips In Getting It In

    Again, I chuckled here, ha!

    • Leave the bed – Have sex in the bathroom, closet, floor, couch (let me know so I know where not to sit ha!), anywhere but leave the bed and see how much fun that is
    • Wear lingerie – If you’re anything like me, you see every imperfection glaring at you when you put it on. But that’s not what they see. They love us for who we are and what we look like NOW. Flaunt it.
    • Dance for them – Yes, dance. Sway your hips, show your curves, be sexy. I’m not the best dancer in the world but when it comes to my hubs, I am his private dancer *body roll*.
    • Red Lipstick – Red is such a sexy and powerful color. It’s bold and flirty and that’s what you want to be. Get dolled up–for them.
    • Elevator Move – This will drive them CRAZY as well as tone your lady bits! It’s very similar to that of a kegel but instead of just tightening and releasing, you want to slowly tighten up and then slowly release it down. It should take you about 3 seconds up and back down. Doing this on him is mind-blowing but also adds an element of added sensation for you!
    • Have Fun – Yes, laugh, smile, be flirty. Have a good time. It doesn’t have to last 3 hours (I mean, who can do that anyway right?). But really commit to being fully present with your mate and giving them yourself.
    • Do it often – You had to know this was coming. Sex is good for us. Take care of yourself! And sex is good for them! In order to prevent prostate cancer, a man should be ejaculating at least 21 times very 30 days soooooo let’s help keep them healthy ha!
    • Don’t hold out on oral – I hate hearing that women wait until special occasions for sex or oral sex. Why? Prior to marriage you didn’t! There is NOTHING sexier than having control over a man’s pleasure. Enjoy it. Add some food elements. Have fun with it. But don’t hold out!

    I’m not going to say anything like “but the Bible says…” regarding sex with our mates. Here’s the thing, sex is fun and it’s more fun when you’re doing it with someone who matters so have at it!

    How important is sex in your relationship? What tips do you have to keep the physical intimacy alive?

    5 Love Languages For Couples in Action

    If you haven’t heard of the 5 Love Languages by now you’ve got a little catching up to do. I was first introduced to them during pre-marital counseling with my first husband. Yes, we did pre-marital counseling that was awesome and STILL got divorced. During the counseling sessions, we took a little test that showed what our love language is and what our partners’ were and how they related. From there we also learned how to make our significant others feel loved based on this language. But let me back up some…

    How to Apply Them to Marriage

    The 5 Love Languages is a concept developed by Dr. Gary Chapman. In a nutshell, your love language is how you see and feel love from others. Dr. Chapman has narrowed down love languages into these 5 categories:

    1. Words of Affirmation
    2. Acts of Service
    3. Receiving Gifts
    4. Quality Time
    5. Physical Affection

    When I first took the test, I was a solid “Acts of Service” girl with nothing else coming close to it. If you wanted me to know that you loved me, then doing things for me was the way to show me. It’s amazing how things have changed for me in almost 10 years. My love language is still Acts of Service but it’s followed closely by Words of Affirmation. My husband, on the other hand, scored high in Physical Affection and Quality Time. But what does this mean and how does this affect our marriage?

    Love Is An Action Verb

    It’s one thing for someone to just tell you they love you but it’s a whole other thing for them to show this to you and you feel it. Growing up I think I was infatuated with this whole idea of love. I loved the idea of love. You know, the romance, the butterflies, the googley eyes. All of it. And I honestly thought that love was just that–the bringing of flowers/candy/et al. I thought love was that squishy feeling that you had when you were infatuated with someone. As I got older, I learned what love is and that while most people think it’s a feeling, it’s actually an action. Understanding what love looks like to me helps me communicate my needs to my husband. It also helps him understand what he can do to show me that he loves me and vice versa.

    Feeling Love Breaks Barriers

    I was one of those women that had lots of walls. Having previously been in a marriage where my ex-husband would do things that intentionally hurt me and then becoming a single mom, I had walls that were harder than Fort Knox to break through. But then my husband made our first Christmas happen. My car had broken down and I wanted to spend Christmas with my mom in Myrtle Beach. He drove our oldest daughter and I there and spent it with me instead of his family. This was huge to me because he took something that was a source of incredible stress and handled it with such ease. My walls came tumbling down faster than the London Bridge fell. At the time he didn’t know that Acts of Service was my love language but I think that’s what made it that much more genuine.

    It’s a Tool For Success

    How many times have you thought that your partner just wasn’t making you feel loved? Or how many times have you done something for your partner that you would have been excited about only to have them give a drab response? Understanding how to love and how you see love nips all this in the bud. Sure, the best way to a man’s heart is through his stomach but unless you want to be married to the Nutty Professor, you may want to start looking into other ways to show him that you love him. And as a woman, being able to articulate to a man (or other woman) what you need is crucial. So often we want for something that we just can’t put our fingers on, but now you can. I know that if I’m feeling cranky or neglected our kitchen is usually a mess. I know, random, but for me when my husband cleans the kitchen after I’ve made him a delicious meal, that screams, “BABE I LOVE YOU AND THANK YOU FOR THAT FOOD!!!!”

    Become Fluent in Your Partners Language

    Fluency in love is just like becoming fluent in any other language–it takes daily practice. So if your spouse’s love language is Physical Affection, this might look like making sure that you are hugging or kissing them at least 12 times a day–not just sex. If they are a Words of Affirmation, tell them the things that you appreciate that they do or leave them a love note. If they are an Acts of Service person like me, take a task that is normally stressful for them or they hate doing and just do it–don’t ask them what they need help with, just do it. If your person sees Quality Time as love, make sure that you’re intentionally carving out some one-on-one time with them. And if they love gifts, don’t just buy them anything, get them something that they love or makes you think of them. But practice this daily.

    Although I love being a mom, I love being my husbands wife too. I love marriage and all of the wonderful things that it brings. Using these tools will definitely help your home get or stay happy. Make loving your partner a priority and they’ll make loving you a priority too.

    Have you heard of the 5 Love Languages before? What’s your love language?

    Need to know your/your partners love language? Check out the questionnaire here and be sure to send it to them too!

     

    How Did You Know He Was The One?

    I was sitting and chatting with my “little brother” and we were talking about our relationships. He’s kind of in and out of a relationship with a young lady that he thinks could be the one when he asked me how I knew that he was it. Truth be told, I knew that if we were to date, he would be it.

    My husband and I met at work. I still remember the first time our eyes met. His eyes were so kind and his smile so genuine that a warmth filled me. He worked the same position as me and ended up training me. We would talk for hours at work about anything and everything. I developed the biggest crush on him and after a rather embarrassing moment, we started dating. After our first date, I knew this was it.

    He Has Good Taste In Books

    I know… How is this the first point? I love reading and I may or may not judge people based upon the books they read. We read “The Suspect of Devotion X” together. This book is amazing. The plot twists and genius story line leaves you with your mouth dropped by the end of the book. This book was chosen by him and the fact that he chose such a smart book made me think very highly of him and spoke to his own thinking.

    He Knows Everything About Me and Loves Me More

    I’m not perfect. I have a past. There’s a lot that’s happened prior to him and he knows every.single.thing. It’s a lot to digest. Hell, I went through it and it’s a lot for me to digest but he did it easily and loves me more because it’s what made me who I am today.

    He Loves My Mini

    He and mini have a bond outside of he and I. When we started dating and it was finally time for her to meet him, she said, “Mommy can we take him home?” It was the sweetest thing. Watching them together healed a lot of my hurt and stress. To this day, she still lights up hearing his voice or seeing him and that speaks volumes.

    He’s Incredibly Smart

    Man is he smart. We can sit and talk about anything and everything. He has the most random and pertinent knowledge. I love talking to him and listening to his thoughts on everything. I love the different perspective that he offers with his life experiences.

    He Pushes Me To Be Better

    Most would already describe me as determined and a go-getter but I have a habit of taking shortcuts. But he pushes me to be better and not let me take those shortcuts. He wants me to be the best that I can be and sees the beauty of who I am–flaws and all.

    I Can’t See My Life Without Him

    He is my best friend, confidante, lover, everything. I remember talking to my friend Jason about what made him propose to his then wife and he said that he couldn’t see his life without her so why not be with her for forever. It’s such a simple notion that it’s complex. I normally have issues with commitment but not with him. I don’t want to be without him. He balances me.

    I love being married to him. Marriage has been a truly amazing experience thus far. My forever looks great because I chose an amazing man to be committed to for eternity.

    Married friends, what qualities made your spouse “the one”? How did you know they  were it?

    Keep it Spicy: 5 Fun Indoor Date Ideas

    The hubs and I don’t get out like we’d like to so that we can have adult time that’s special for the two of us. It’s so easy to fall into the “I’m comfortable” rut once you have kids but keeping that connection between husband and wife is so important. Once you’re done raising the kids, all you’ll have is each other!

    So because we can’t go out (no babysitter unless my mom is in town), we stay in and have our dates. Here are a couple of fun (and a little bit spicy) indoor date ideas:

    1. Dinner and a Movie

    I know, typical. But instead of including the kids at the dinner table, feed them, put those little heads in beds and just have dinner with the two of you. I will normally make one of his favorite dishes and we are able to sit and connect without interruption. Not that we don’t enjoy hearing every.single.detail of mini’s day, but it’s nice to talk without interruption. Follow that up with a nice, adult movie–you know, the ones without singing and dancing animated characters–and it’s a nice, mellow evening with just the two of you.

    2. Dance Party

    I love to dance. In my head, I’m as good as a Beyonce choreographer. In reality, well, let’s just say that I can work with what I’ve got. The first time that I turned the music on and got him to dance with me it did feel silly. When you’re at a club or lounge you tend to get caught up in the energy that’s around you. When it’s just you two, you’re forced to focus on just you guys which can be awkward at first. But once you get comfortable, you realize that connecting with just the two of you is nice. I use Songza and my favorite playlists are The Quiet Storm, Hip Hop & R&B Valentine’s Day and Seductive Soul.

    3. Strip Uno

    Yep. Your favorite childhood game turned into an adult one. According to the hubs, this is one of his favorite dates. I’m super competitive and he’s naturally really good at card games so it was really fun. Grab some wine and easy snacks and it’s a great date that leads to a great……….connection later *wink wink*.

    4. Indoor Picnic & Outdoor S’mores

    I LOOOVE picnics. I don’t know why. There’s something about sitting on the floor eating sandwiches and other cold foods that makes me feel so happy. Add a bottle of wine, a fire pit and some marshmallows and I’m the happiest in the world. Just be sure to have some citronella burning or the night bugs will surely put a damper on the mood.

    5. Just Hang Out

    As I was talking to the hubs about his favorite indoor dates, just hanging out together was definitely his favorite. We love certain shows (Agents of Shield, OITNB, Sense8, etc) and we use our evenings to just hang out and watch TV. It’s nice to veg out with your person who you can let your proverbial hair down with. We’re normally touching in some way–my legs on him, his arm on me–which brings the sense of comfortable intimacy.

    The hubs and I have a rather casual marriage. One of our favorite things to do is to sit and say/do nothing with each other. I love his presence. But often times married couples get too comfortable and forget to make things special and honor the commitment that we have to one another. This is so important. The connection between spouses is so important in the role of parenting. Talking about each other’s days, listening to the struggles, and helping each other through them is definitely important. And catering to each other is too. Massages, soft music, candles, whatever it is you need in order to feel connected to each other you should do but don’t use the excuse of not having a baby sitter.

    Make tonight and every night special for each other, after all, it’s till death do you part right?

    What are some great indoor dates you guys have?

    Dear Husband: I Need You

    husband21It’s amazing the moments that make you realize the goldmine that you have in your spouse.

    Vacation is what has done it for me.

    See, I have a husband that LOVES being married and LOVES being a father with all that it comes with. We have a very balanced relationship. As in if the baby is screaming and doesn’t want me, he comes over and trades a glass of wine for the baby without prompting. Being married to my husband has spoiled me insanely. I love it but when he’s not with me, it’s me that’s crying!

    As wives, there are definitely certain times that we want our husbands <insert adult time>. But there’s also those times that we NEED them as well. These are those times:

    We Need You To Hold Us During Tough Times

    A tough time can be anything from the baby screaming all night to a rough day at work to her having issues with someone else. As baby abc screamed her head off for hours, not only did I need my husband to take her so that he could rock her to sleep, but I needed him to hold me after she went down. Being a mother and wife is tiring. I wouldn’t change my roles for anything in the world but I need my husband to balance me. I’m strong. But I’m not a rock as I have feelings an emotions. When my babies scream and cry and hurt, it hurts me. It drains me to hear them cry. My husband helps me to re-fill my well so I’m able to give more of myself to all of them. His hugs and snuggles give me that moment I need to shield myself from the elements of the world so I can re-attack them with fervor and a smile. All of us wives need this moment with our spouses.

    We Need To Laugh With You

    It’s funny, whenever I have the kids and he’s not around, the first thing I want to do is call him to laugh about something that they had done. I remember mini crying to me about something that was incredibly important to her in the moment and then she farted. I could not keep it together and I burst out laughing. Naturally she laughed as well since we’re nothing but a bunch of goofballs but that night D and I laughed for at least an hour about that! Laughing is my favorite thing to do with him. It’s not just wives that need these moments of laughter, spouses do too. No woman wants to feel like the wife Kevin Hart described as a fun-hater. And truthfully, no husband wants to feel that way about their wife. Laughter brings people closer.

    We Need To Be Able to Do Nothing

    The first “I miss you” text I sent to my husband said, “Babe, I miss sitting and doing nothing with you.” Yes, we sit on the couch and do absolutely nothing together. Sometimes the TV is on. Sometimes it isn’t. Sometimes I’m writing. Sometimes we’re both staring into space. Sometimes we’re both on our phones. Pretty much every evening there’s at lease 30min-1hour that we don’t talk, we just exist in each other’s space. Not having to constantly be “on” is such an intimacy builder. Knowing that I don’t always have to have something witty to say (which is rare) or cater to some conversation when I’d rather be silently destressing from the day is so comforting.

    We Need You To Be What We Aren’t

    I am an action-oriented go-getter. Once my mind is set on doing something, it takes a lot to make me stop. I’m what my friends consider more hippie like. I’m adaptable. I’m passionate. And my husband isn’t quite all of these things. He isn’t a big risk-taker–he calculates his moves. He moves slower than I do and will often take longer to get to his destination. He’s grounded and mellow–until upset. We balance each other out so well as individuals and this is evident in our parenting as well. Mini is so much like me that together we can often spontaneously combust. D can see the signs of this before they happen and is good at taking her to the park, to play a game or dance it out before I lose all my patience. Same thing with the baby. Sometimes I don’t see that my patience is waning and he does. Without me having to ask, he’ll rock the baby to sleep or take her for a walk or sit and play with her while I have some time to unwind my nerves.

    We Need You To Enjoy Your Roles With Us

    b2d2cbd28dc1751582fb001a6cb2b0c3This is a major “need”. D and I often joke about how we’re happy that neither of us feels as though we have a ball and chain now that we’re married. So often you hear men talk ill of their marriages or they don’t rush home to be with their families. This isn’t us. And no spouse wants to feel like this is what their marriage is. We need you to enjoy your role as our spouse. We want you to want to be with us because you enjoy what we have. And the same goes for fatherhood. Get rid of the mentality that you babysit your children. They’re yours. You can’t babysit them! I’ve not met a father my age that enjoys his role as a father as much as D does. He loves mini and abc so much and loves everything about his role with them. He’s at ballet recitals, school performances, graduations, first days, last days. He gets up without complaint to rock abc to sleep, changes diapers without being asked, does 3am Tylenol runs happily.

    I’m blessed to have a husband that loves me the way he does. But I’m not the only one who has needs as a wife.

    What other “needs” do you have of your spouse?