Yesterday morning’s walk was amazing and really what I needed. I really feel closest to God when I’m in nature. As I was self-consciously pulling at my sweat-laden clothes, my mind began to wonder to how I lost my weight after having mini.
Misery. Depression. Desperation. Despair.
Sounds awfully inspiring right? Well for me it was. When I moved back to Atlanta after having her, there were a lot of emotions and most of them were negative. I was sad. Being a single mom is hard and it can be extremely lonely. I wasn’t ALONE but sometimes I felt lonely. I was living a life that I’d never planned so it was all just kind of happening. I was depressed about some personal things. I was struggling financially (I mean, who isn’t honestly). And all I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and cry a lot of the times.
But I had my little girl. I had my reason to live and push forward and I couldn’t let her see me down. So I ran. Every morning I would just get up and run. 1 mile became 2 and 2 became 4 and before I knew it, I was using my sadness to train for a half marathon. When I would hit the pavement, I would cry tears of sweat. I would emote with every stride. My heart would release the pain every mile under my feet. And then when I returned home, I was happy.
Not only did I have a sense of accomplishment because I had done something healthy to start the day, but I had something to show for it. Sixty pounds later, I was in a totally different place in life than I had been when I started. I was happy.
Happy me lacks the discipline that sad me had. Happy me likes to eat. Happy me doesn’t have tears of desperation. Happy me found the man of my dreams. Happy me got married. Happy me created the family that both mini and I wanted. Happy me got fat. And although I’m still happy with my life (ecstatic really), I’m not the happiest with the me I see in the mirror.
As I was walking, I realized what my motivation was now. To be happy……with ME. Not just period. But really to be able to look at myself at whatever size, shape, etc. and just be happy. The body of a mother of two will not be that of the body of a mom of one or a birth mom of none. Just like although I’m putting in the work, it may not reflect as quickly as I would like it to (I still can’t understand why it’s not possible for me to drop a pants size in a day). But I need to see the beauty in the work that I’m putting in, the beauty in the work that my body has done, and be happy with that. Happiness with myself is my motivation. That and fitting into my panties.
So what’s your motivation?