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I Feel Unpretty

As I admit the truth about how I see myself, I feel a weight slowly being lifted. In fact, the more I admit that I don’t like what I see in the mirror, the more I begin to like what’s reflected. My weight now is what I was when I was full term with abc. It’s a hard realization seeing the numbers tell me that I weigh the same as 1 person as I did when I was carrying a whole other person.

*sigh*

I need my eyebrows done. My cellulite is making appearances through my jeans. You can see that weird mom-flap/apron/belly through my pants. My face is super chubby. My thighs are fighting with each other for their turn to be in front as I walk. My boobs are HUGE and my arms wave at different people without me knowing.

*sigh*

I’m sure that most would say something like “stop complaining and go workout.” See, I workout 5-6 days a week never burning less than 500 calories for each workout. My diet needs some work as it’s hard for me to get all the calories I need to consume to get my body out of starvation mode and into weightloss mode. But it’s my ME that needs the work.

It doesn’t matter how fit I get, how healthy I eat, how accomplished I become, unless I learn to have comfort with myself at all phases, all of that is meaningless. I thought that I’d conquered this after having mini. I dropped 60lbs handling depression in a constructive way–doing something I couldn’t do before as I dealt with some issues that were super hard for me.

And now I’m feeling like Tamia looking at these feelings of self-doubt, wavering self-love and feelings of self-consciousness like, “how did you get here?” I wouldn’t say that I hate myself. Quite the contrary. I think I’m pretty awesome. I have a lot of great qualities but I still can’t shake the lack of enthusiasm I feel when I look in the mirror. I despise my stomach when I should really love it for it grew me two beautiful girls.

Will I get there? Sure. Today I feel like I took a first step though. A long time friend of mine asked me to model some of his jewelry for him. I was floored when he asked me (because why would he want this frumpy, basic mom to model something that he’s pushing to become his lifestyle) to do the photoshoot and even more shocked when he was like “I love your style!” My style? I didn’t even know what he meant since I felt like I was having to redefine it as I try and hide my trouble areas. I felt so honored and insecure at the same time. Like what if I showed up and he hates what I brought or didn’t realize what I had meant by “2nd baby #mombod”?

But when I arrived and changed they all loved it. It was hard to hear the approval of the photographs when they were being taken. Hearing that I was beautiful from someone other than my husband and mini was a little unnerving. See, they see a different type of beauty. Mini thinks I’m beautiful because I cook and dress her and clean and make things with her. And my husband, well, I’ve already written about that. But these people only see the physical–not my spirit. Not the way I love. They don’t know the struggles that I’ve grown from. They just simply see what the camera and lighting show them. And they said it was beautiful.

I needed for today to happen so that I can begin to undo the damage I’ve somehow done to the way I see myself. I mean, if strangers think I’m beautiful than surely there is some truth to it.

I’m a work in progress redefining my standard of beauty as a mom of 2 and wife. I’ll get back to the sassy, sexy, fun loving woman I am. I know that I’m not the only one affected by a loss in self-confidence. What are some ways you guys have gotten it back?

***My first giveaway contest will be announced on Thursday so stay tuned and get excited!!! ***

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