I’ve been in a writing funk since the end of last year. Ok, it’s not just been a writing funk, it’s been more of like a life funk. This may or may not give great advice to anyone struggling since I haven’t planned out what I’m going to write but I know I need to just write it out because sharing my words is my happy place. My happy place. It’s a place I haven’t been in sometime.
I Forgot How To Be Happy
I know… How do you forget? I did.
It started with the election. I typically don’t discuss politics or religion here because I don’t want make anyone feel polarized and there’s nothing that people can say that can change my views on these things. But let’s be honest here, I’m a black woman raising little black girls married to a big black man. In the eyes of many people in the world, all of us are a threat and one of the worst people in the world has been elected leader of the once free world. As he slowly dismantles life as we know it, I struggle to be able to happy as I experience much of my life. I wouldn’t say that I’m living in fear but I feel guilty being happy.
People are crying.
People are dying.
And it’s killing me inside.
How can I possibly be happy when pictures of Syrian refugee children being killed are circulating on FB? How can I be happy when my Muslim friends and family are being targeted and falsely accused of being terrorists? How can I be happy when my Hispanic/Latino brothers and sisters are living in fear of deportation? How can I be happy when there’s a civil war brewing?
It’s all so much to digest.
I Need To Feel Happy Again
I’m a creative. I love to help people. I love creating things that help or inspire people and in my sadness I haven’t been able to either. I haven’t been able to feed my spirit and it’s been starving. I used to laugh all the time and smile. Now I find these moments fleeting and I hate it. I need my happiness. My kids need my happiness. My husband needs my happiness. The new life inside me growing and sending me in vomiting rages needs my happiness.
I want to belly laugh so hard that I cry daily.
I want to see my kids light up again.
I want my husbands smile and jovial nature.
But all of these things have been missing because as the nucleus of the family, this isn’t what I’ve been giving them. I’ve been sad. I’ve spent so much time in the bed and just not taking care of the things and people that I love that I’ve almost forgotten what it feels like. I need to be happy again. I need to be productive again. I need to regain the power over myself again.
It’s Ok To Feel Happy
This is something that I’m struggling with. I’m an empath and take on the feelings of those around me to the point where it’s hard for me to tell what I’m feeling versus what they are. But I need to give myself permission to be happy because what is going to happen is going to happen regardless of how I feel about it. I come from a lineage of survivors–if they weren’t, I wouldn’t be here.
It’s ok to be happy that we finally got pregnant after months of trying.
It’s ok to be happy that I made the decision to homeschool my babes.
It’s ok to be happy simply because I feel like it.
And it’s also ok for you to feel happy if you’re struggling as well. I’m hoping that by getting this off my chest that it’ll open up the creativity that’s been held captive by my happiness’ vacation. And if it doesn’t, I’ll just have to try something different because I’m committed to feeling happy again.