sometimes being a mom sucks… and i guess that’s ok too

    i’m sitting here beating myself up because after a long week of talking back, screaming, crying, tantrums, and a smart mouth, i’ve finally lost my temper with mini. i feel guilty about my thoughts and it hit me that tonight i felt like it sucked being a mom. i’m not sure if this is ok because so often i read the FB status updates of “being a mother is the best job in the world” or “my child is so perfect/smart/charming/whatever” that i wonder if it’s just me and a handful other people who are having a smidge of trouble with these little people we’ve been assigned.

    i’ve decided that yes, motherhood is awesome but you know what? it sucks a lot of the time too. like when you’ve been battling with your 4.5 year old about bed time for the past week and on friday you finally lose your shit because you just want some adult time with your husband and you finally have the screaming baby asleep but is awakened because you’ve had to yell at the 4.5 year old about not being in their beds after they got tucked in. that sentence was the very definition of grammatically incorrect but i haven’t the energy to go back and re-write it because if you’re reading this, you’re probably a parent and totally understood what i was trying to say. i digress… sometimes parenting is awesome but it normally sucks ass right after a grandparent leaves.

    today was a particularly hard day. i’ve returned to working out which normally has my happy endorphin’s flowing but since this is my first week back, i’m a little sleepy with the early mornings. i had a great workout this morning. abc stayed in a nice slumber for me for the workout and a shower. we had a nice day surprising daddy at work with lunch and then kicking it with some of my work friends. i took a moment to pause from the things currently stressing me–where we’re going to send abc when i go back to work, how we’ll afford childcare and rent, if we should move or stay, if we move where do we move to, what’s going on with my STD payments, why haven’t i received my reimbursement for my dependent care, should we continue to switch banks, etc. There’s obviously a lot on my mind. but it was a nice day.

    which made it worse when i picked mini up and the meltdowns began. the first one was because she didn’t get to keep charlie the classroom stuffed animal for the weekend. they send the stuffed animal home with the kid and we’re all supposed to do these fun things, take lots of pictures, and look all happy. yay. she was really disappointed about not getting him and really let the waterworks flow once she got in the car. this i understood though i thought it was a little funny. i mean, she was really emotional about it. we talked through that one. then she had a full out tantrum when i told her that we wouldn’t be going to the disney store and buying any of the “dress ups” they have there. whenever she does this i always try to figure out who these tantrums work for. but we talked through this one as well. i felt good. she felt good.

    we get home. she’s bouncing off the walls. i settle her down. it’s now time for bed and shit hits the fan!!!! i really wish that she would just understand that life would be better if she would just listen. either way, i flipped my shit. she cried. i feel like a bad mom. and now the night is over.

    sometimes being a mom really does suck.

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    play date fun

    when you become a parent, you learn that play dates are part of the plan. now, my oldest daughter has had plenty of “play dates”. i use this term loosely because they are dates in which my daughter played but they were with my friends and their kids. i don’t know if these qualify as official play dates because it was really just me hanging out with friends of mine that happened to have kids.

    but mini has a best friend at school. she has been wanting to have a play date with her forEVER. at a recent birthday party i finally exchanged information with the bff’s mom. while we were there we set up a tentative date. i went into a borderline catatonic state smiling and nodding. contrary to popular belief, i’m super shy and have a lot of trouble getting comfortable with new people.

    naturally i want her to have the play date. it’s great for her to play with more than just the kids of my friends. plus i really do want for her to have a best friend. i think all my friends i went to school with and i really do want her to have a friend that she’s made as a youngster and she grows with. but i don’t really know her mom. of course i’m open to getting to know her but it doesn’t seem like we really have much in common. she’s older than i am and definitely comes from a different background. i don’t want to just drop mini off with someone who’s a stranger to me. gah!

    of course i’m open to getting to know new people and have been anticipating this happening for sometime but sheesh, i guess i’d been putting off arranging play dates for so long that now i’ve got the anxiety! but i’m sure that everything will be fine and i’m fretting for nothing. i mean, these are both our first kids and we have that in common if nothing else. i absolutely cannot wait for mini to hang out with her friend and i’ll definitely be doing some research on getting to know people via google before then–don’t judge me!

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    equipped with new equipment

    during yesterday’s postpartum doctor’s appointment i was given the all clear to resume my normal activities. after the awkward moment where my doc told me that i needed to make sure to use condoms during “all normal activities” in front of my mom, i began to rejoice! i celebrated this monumental moment by cancelling my LA fitness membership and shopping for some tools to use at home. as absurd as it sounds, i absolutely cannot wait to use all the things that i got!

    so what did i get and how do i plan on using them?

    kettle bell (8lb)

    i really wanted a 10 and 15lb kettle bell but all i could find at tj maxx was the 8lb one. i took that as the universe’s way of telling me to calm down and ease back into things. i fell in love with kettle bells about 3 years ago. i used to go to retro fitness and they had a bunch. one of the fitness apps i used at the time incorporated them. then i trained with a trainer that used to try to kill me with kettle bell swings. i loved every moment of it. i’ve found some really awesome HiiT workouts that will incorporate using the kettle bell. one of the great resources i’ve found for kettle bell moves is on the greatist‘s website.

    weighted gloves

    during my first couple of workouts i did a lot of punches and some secondary arm movements that would have been more effective if i had some more weight on there. so i found these nifty weighted gloves that are more comfy than the wrist weights. plus, when i use the kettle bell it’ll increase the weight as well.

    weighted jump rope 

    there’s nothing like doing strength training and cardio at the same time. talk about an increase in effectiveness. i remember the first time that i used one i was so sore after. this is what i’m looking for. this will be perfect for the high impact/cardio parts of my workouts.

    i didn’t use any of them today since i went for a jog–and i use this term loosely. it started out as a nice jog and then it went to a walk with some jogging sprinkled in there. my legs are super sore already from monday and tuesdays workouts. i feel like i barely did anything in my little 20 min workouts but apparently i was mistaken.

    what equipment do you use when working out? what are some of your most effective workouts?

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    Having Two Kids: What They Don’t Tell You

    Having two kids was the most life changing event to date--not only for the good. There are so many things people just don't talk about. I did though.

    Let me start this post off by saying that 2 things:

    1. I love my girls and love being their mother.

    2. It’s taken an entire month to get to the place where i can finally put my finger on this to be able to share.

    It’s Scary In The Beginning

    Being a mom of two is scary in the beginning and no one really says that but that’s the truth and it’s ok. When I had mini, I was a little nervous but I’d been raising other people’s children for awhile. Things are very different when it’s your own but it wasn’t crazy. Having abc was a little different because my situation was different. I was already a mother to a crazy 4yo who is dealing with her own things in her life, I was a new wife to the man of my dreams and now I had this new person that was dependent on me. I’m a worrier and this new life was another person for me to worry about. And I worry A LOT. I wanted to stay home with abc as long as I possibly could so we cancelled mini’s after care with school. So from 3pm until 6pm I’m on my own with them.

    It’s Overwhelming

    Initially I had no idea what I was going to do with both of them. I was in a lot of pain from having abc and then I got some badly infected cysts that caused even more pain. But kids don’t really get that. I didn’t want mini to come home and park in front of the tv but at the same time I didn’t know what I would be able to handle. I cried. not a whole lot. But I cried with my husband who helped me make a plan which made me more comfortable.

    Having two kids was the most life changing event to date--not only for the good. There are so many things people just don't talk about. I did though.

    Your Kids Are Smarter And More Adaptable Than You Think

    I’d heard crazy and insane stories about how people would take both of their kids out at the same time and how overwhelmed they were. This wasn’t my experience and i’m quite happy about that. Mini, with all her excitement and energy, picked up on the behavior that I needed from her when we were out. I’ve yet to have an uncontrollable trip out with the two of them. Now, when my husband gets home, all bets are off. She returns to her wild, rambunctious self. and honestly, the only thing I can feel is appreciation because during the time I need her, she manages to be the biggest help that I can expect her to be.

    You’re Going To Cry

    Whether it’s the hormones, the overwhelming feelings, the sleepiness, or the pain, you’re going to cry–even if you’re not a crier. I felt so foolish sitting at the dinner table after excusing mini to her room play. I sat and I cried. And I didn’t know what I was crying about but I just knew I needed to cry. I cried about feeling like I had no idea what I was doing. I cried about feeling like a bad mom to mini. I cried about feeling like a bad wife to him. I cried about the fact I was sitting there crying. I didn’t want company. I didn’t want anyone but my husband with me. And I cried about being a bad friend, daughter, daughter-in-law because I just wanted to be alone with my man and my babies. Yeah, there were a lot of tears. but then they stopped.

    You’ll Get Into A Groove

    After you’re done crying, you realize that you’re ok and you’re going to make it. This feeling is an amazing one–one you want to hold on to for forever because you’ve finally realized that everything is alright. You aren’t a terrible mother. You aren’t an awful wife. your friends are more understanding than you expect. And your mother(s) have been there so they don’t expect crazy things from you. more importantly, you’ve realized that being a super woman doesn’t mean having the house cleaned everyday, an organic dinner made every night, an afternoon full of activities for your preschooler. it means loving your family, loving yourself, and doing the best you can every day.

    **Images courtesy of CreateHer Stock.
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    sunday = goal setting day

    i’ve been home with abc for a month now. i’ve loved every minute of it. unlike most, i really love this newborn phase. they do so much growing during this time and i really enjoy the snuggling. but even though my (awesome and amazing) husband is insistent that i do too much and need to rest, i really want to return to being an active contributor to our home outside of birthing our new addition and being a human cow.

    so i’ve come up with a way that will not only allow me to contribute, but it’ll allow me to tap into my creativity and hopefully continue to push me in the direction that i ultimately want to go in–teaching and being a life coach. i’m working on balance though and not burning myself out. i’m such an extremist that my thought process is normally geared towards all or nothing. if i can’t spend 4 hours cleaning straight, i don’t want to do it period. but being a mom of 2 and a new wife and having responsibilities in all aspects here, it’s crucial that i get a little done a day so that i can be successful.

    here are my daily goals:

    monday – meal planning/grocery shopping, bathrooms, iron 5 things

    tuesday – vacuum downstairs, mop, handle sock situation, iron 5 things

    wednesday – mini’s room, master bed, vacuum upstairs, iron 5 things

    thursday – organize living room, iron 5 things

    friday – iron 5 things, relax

    saturday – iron

    sunday – relax

    i’m also addicted to pinterest, working on a book, returning to blogging, and attempting to return to exercising. so this means that i’ll have to incorporate these things in as weekly goals. i love to create things–this truly feeds my spirit in a way that non-creatives wouldn’t understand so this is a big must in my book. and i love writing and exercising. this is how i’m able to destress and express myself. pregnancy and postpartum thus far has shown me that i’m not as productive without these things so they also must be incorporated. but these are more weekly goals than daily.

    weekly goals:

    creative – “est. 2014 cole” sign, 1 t-shirt upcycle project, sweet potato butter

    writing – 3 blog entries/1 hour of writing

    exercise – 150 minutes of exercise

    in my head i want to do more but i have to remember that although i love the infant stage, they’re super needy and normally just want mommy at this phase. so these are my goals. boom.

    what goals do you have for the week?

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    couponing: my epic fail

    when extreme couponing came on whatever channel it was on, i, like everyone else, was fully engaged in the show. watching these people cut coupons then go into a store and rack up a bill that was in the hundreds only to have the store owing them money was amazing to me. during this time it wasn’t in my time budget to coupon clip and look at circulars. but now that i’m on maternity leave, i thought i’d take a stab at it.

    i got a text from my bestie saying the grab the sunday paper because there was some kind of extreme sale going on. i had my husband grab it and bring it home. i clipped for what seemed like hours on end. then i logged into my publix and kroger accounts and clipped the virtual coupons for more hours on end. then from there i made a shopping list at each store. boom. i was feeling successful. here’s where i think i failed: i didn’t organize. and yes, i failed miserably.

    i went to publix first. i stuck to my list and only got the things that were on sale and that i had coupons for. publix is typically more expensive than kroger so this list was pretty short. like i can probably name everything that was on my list and what the discount price was kind of short. i get to the cash register and she rings everything up. the total was $115 and some change. i was a little flabbergasted at the price since my cart really wasn’t full. but my coupons hadn’t been applied yet. i give my phone number and coupons and i prepare myself for that number to start coming on down. if you blinked you would have missed how many numbers i came down. after all my coupons, my total was $107 and some change.

    i saved about $8. eight.fricking.dollars.

    i don’t know if anger is an accurate description of how i felt. i felt like screaming and hollering like abc does when she’s strapped in her carseat and ready to eat. rage. i felt rage.

    how was it that i’d managed to miss the mark so badly??? i mean, all that time and cutting for $8???? yes, i failed miserably. i’m going to try again and this time i’ll organize but after this, i’m done.


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    Pregnancy Etiquette 101: What Not To Say

    Pregnancy brings out the great and ignorant in people. Being pregnant twice, I've been hit with some pretty offensive words so I figure why not educate?

    While i was pregnant with both my daughters i heard my fair share of rude and insensitive comments. it seems like once you become pregnant, you wear a sign that says “insult me please” when in fact it should be the exact opposite. pregnancy is certainly an ice breaker, especially once you start showing. but if you’re breaking the ice, you should know what not to say so that you don’t end up sending the pregnant person into a fit of tears.

    Pregnancy brings out the great and ignorant in people. Being pregnant twice, I've been hit with some pretty offensive words so I figure why not educate?

    Pregnancy Etiquette 101: What Not To Say To A Pregnant Woman

    Wow! You’re Huge

    yes i am huge. and the funny thing is this morning when i looked in the mirror, i thought that i was looking something like a svelte twig instead of a beached orca which i clearly look like to you. pregnant women are aware of their size. just because you become pregnant doesn’t mean that you all of a sudden through your mirrors away and suffer from body dysmorphia. when you’re pregnant you’re growing a person and it’s not like they’re fake people. pregnant women grow differently and some barely grow while others grow a lot. that doesn’t mean it’s time to become president of the the obvious club and make her more self-conscious.

    Are You Pregnant With Twins/More Than Just One? Are You Sure?

    i was asked this once when i was checking out in target. and the lady asked me with a super concerned look if i was sure there was just one. my husband was with me and shot me the look of “babe please don’t curse this woman out…” and i didn’t. but i was 8 months pregnant and almost fresh out of niceties. people, we go to the doctor every.single.damn.month. i’m sure that if there were sextuplets housing in my belly then i would know about it. and when did people become street doctors? like are you the expert on how my belly should look when pregnant with one versus 17?

    Can I Touch Your Belly?

    this i got a lot. i think that curly hair must make me appear friendlier than i am. but with baby abc i worked hard at being the glowy, friendly, sweet pregnant woman. it was work. but randoms asking to touch my belly was always super weird. i mean, it’s my STOMACH for goodness sake! it’s not normal to just go around touching strangers bellies! like that’s the epitome of NOT normal. i understand that it’s exciting to see someone who’s making another person but in reality, what do you achieve by touching their stomachs? the chances of you catching the baby move are slim to none and even if you do feel them, it means nothing to you! you’ll probably never see this person again! stop being weird.

    When’s Your Due Date? Oh, You’re Not Making It That Long.

    this is essentially saying the same thing as “you’re huge!”. human women become full term at around 37 weeks. so we can be pregnant for 10 whole months and that’s considered normal. here’s the crazier thing, we can look as big as octomom at 30 weeks but we’ll more than likely still be pregnant weeks later. baby size doesn’t always have a direct correlation to when labor begins for women. sometimes it does, most times it doesn’t.

    people can be rather insensitive to pregnant women. it’s as if when you’re pregnant, you’re walking around with a target that says “please say mean and insensitive things to me that would also offend just about anyone if you were to say them but because i’m growing a life inside me i’m now free game.” it’s annoying and sad but the awesome thing is between 9 and 10 months we’ll drop a baby as well as the baby weight but they’ll be ignorant forever.

    What other things did I miss?

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    Birth Story: ABC Joins the Family

    Giving birth is my favorite part of pregnancy--not because it's over but because I finally get to meet the little person inside me. Here's ABC's story.

    On August 13, 2014 @ 2:02pm we delivered our precious little gift. This is her birth story.

    i was over pregnancy. on august 12, i was scheduled to be induced. we waited and waited and waited on the call telling us that we could come in. we arrived at the hospital at about 11:00pm. after getting checked in, the nurse notified us that we would be induced at 8am the next morning. in my head, she would have already been born by then but whatever. d and i went to sleep for as long as we could.

    Giving birth is my favorite part of pregnancy--not because it's over but because I finally get to meet the little person inside me. Here's ABC's story.

    by 7am we were up. i was nervous. with mini i went into labor on my own. i was in 12 hours of active labor and i did this epidural free. this time we would be using pitocin and still no epidural. by 9am i started feeling some consistent contractions. i was still only about 3cm dilated and still in early labor. my doctor came in and broke my water. and then the party really started. i was walking around for a bit and trying to do all the moves that i’d looked up on pinterest. once the pain discomfort really kicked in, i had to sit down. at around noon they checked me again. i was 4.5 cm dilated and discouraged. how could i have just dilated under 2 cm in all that time?!!?!?

    ABC was in there rolling around and kicking through contractions making them worse. my contraction were coming back to back and i was getting no relief. they gave me something in my IV to make us both sleep. at 1:45pm i woke up and felt the need to push. i let d know and he told the nurse. they checked me and i was 9 nearly 10cm dilated and fully effaced. it was almost go time. i couldn’t stop the pushing but i tried. i knew from birthing class with mini that if my body wasn’t fully ready then i could risk having to have an emergency c-section. at 2:00pm they checked me again and i was 10cm and ready to go.

    the room wasn’t ready for ABC’s arrival. there was no doctor, no midwife, just 2 nurses. i let them know that she was coming. they thought i was talking about the doctor but i was talking about the baby. not long after, i pushed her head out as i was sitting. “her head is out!” i told the nurses. they brushed me off till d looked down and saw her little head and he exclaimed “no really, her head is out.  i can see it!” this got their attention and they told me not to push anymore. they checked to make sure that her umbilical cord wasn’t around her neck and then they slid me onto my back and i pushed her out with one more push.

    two pushes and i had my second beautiful little girl. she weighed 8lbs, 10oz and was 21in long. i didn’t tear or need stitches or anything shortly after, the midwife came in. then my doctor. and it was all over. nine months of discomfort came to a close with 2 hours and 2 pushes.

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