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    Sick day really means sick day

    abc has a little cold.

    It sucks. When they’re this little (I think she’s almost 16 weeks? I’m terrible at this) the only thing you can give them is snuggles and their boob (or bottle). We got in from Nana’s house late last night. Though she’s been in great spirits I decided to stay home with my little.

    In making this decision I was like “yes!!! I can do so much! I can run errands and fold the thousand of laundry waiting patiently to be put away!!! I can write! I can work out!” Here’s my reality check that came in the form of the most cranky and fussy version of abc I’ve ever seen: she’s sick so that means sick day is filled with snuggles for my baby–that’s it.

    The crazy thing is that I’d made this whole schedule in my head. We were scheduled naps and snuggles and laundry till 1pm, errands from 1-2:30pm, workout at the park at 3pm, pick mini up at 4pm, take her to the park to play till like 5ish, go home and make the side dish to dinner, play, snuggle, etc till bed time. Nope. Not one of those things has gotten done except the napping and snuggles. Every time I try to move out the bed, she’s whining and crying. It’s almost like she has a gps attached to me that alerts her when I move.

    I mean, I’m stealthy. I put ninjas to shame with my ability to quietly navigate the bedroom without waking a sleeping baby. But not today. Today I’ve barely even had a chance to eat. I’ve had a sum total of 40oz of water, oatmeal, and 2 apples w/ peanut butter. And I’m nursing her. Can I get a lunch break?! abc says “no”.

    *sigh*

    I need to do better with my sick day planning.

    preschooler is synonymous with “killer of joy”

    i’m not so sure why the two’s are called “terrible”. maybe the person who coined the “terrible twos” didn’t have a child in the 3’s or 4’s just yet. i’m sure that if they did, then it would go more like the “training twos”, “torrential threes”, “far from fabulous fours”. and i’m in the fours now. -_-

    just my luck.

    but i know for a fact that it’s not just me going through this. in fact, i think that mini is picking up these blasted temper tantrums from one of the little girls at school. last friday they had an art show (it was so cute) and this little girl had tantrums back to back for like 5 minutes. and the mom was so calm. inside of me i was getting agitated and in both awe and shock at the calm the mom displayed. watching this interaction almost killed my joy–but then i realized i didn’t have to take her home with me.

    or did i.

    all this past weekend mini has been whiny and full of tears. her whining and crying sounds like nails on a blackboard. if i’m superman, then those things are my kryptonite and not in the cutesy “i just want to give her the world” weakness. it’s more like “i just want to leave and not come back until she’s done making noise for forever” weakness. i hate it. i cannot stand crying. at all. even with abc. i can’t stand her crying either but she doesn’t have words. mini? she has lots of words. instead of using her words to communicate feelings, she uses them to lie and be sneaky with–which i hate slightly less than the crying and whining.

    i think the kicker about preschoolers is that they know what they’re doing, what type of reaction it’s going to get and they do it anyway. and then they have the nerve to have an attitude when it garners the reaction that they knew was coming.

    and now i think mini is going through the jealousy bit. she’s saying dumb things like “you don’t think i’m pretty”, “you don’t love me”, “you don’t ever forgive me”, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. mind you, the kid gets pretty much everything she wants, does the things she wants to. but nope, that’s not good enough. and she knows that i love her. she knows that the crying, saying mean things, and temper tantrums get her nowhere BUT SHE STILL DOES IT!!!!! why!?!?!?!?

    ugh… right now i’m over aaaaaaaaalllll things preschoolers–minus them spending all those hours at school. that i love.

    “you have a…….beautiful body mommy”

    mini said this as she watched me shove my stomach into my jeans. yes, after having two babies, i now “shove” my stomach into things.

    this wasn’t what she wanted to say and i could tell by the look she gave me that her thoughts of mommy’s body were a little less than the beauty that she spoke of but my little miniature self has been working on her tact and what she came up with was beautiful. i initially wanted to be hurt. i’m dealing with some of my own issues having to do with seeing my body as being beautiful after the birth of my second daughter. things just aren’t quite the same. i’m a work in progress though.

    instead of being hurt and showing my little sponge the self-conscious nature that little girls are taught to have about their bodies, i said “yes, mommy’s body is beautiful. i have birthed two of the most beautiful little girls and have managed to sustain them with my body as well. it is beautiful.” and this is the truth. my body, though not what it was last year or last decade, is beautiful nonetheless.

    in a world where body shaming women is sport, it’s really hard to look in the mirror and see my body for it’s worth. i have curves, though some of my curves have curves. and in all honesty, i love my shape. i just wish i could do some fine tuning on it. suck some fat out here, there, well….everywhere. but it’s not a bad body. it’s not one that shows my battles with a pretty hush hush eating disorder when i was 12. it’s survived being abused twice. the evidence of heartbreak isn’t there. nor does it show my chronic injuries because i’m the second clumsiest person i know (mini being the first… she gets it from her mama).

    but it does have a road map of life on it. i have marks that show the parts of me that spread during puberty at 11. my stomach shows the evidence that i created life within my womb. my boobs aren’t nearly as perky since this is the first thing that your babies don’t put back in place after nurturing them. and i’m soft. i’ve snuggled many babies to sleep–two of them my own. my arms are jiggly but strong. they’ve picked me up when i’ve fallen, hugged my mini so tight she’s forgotten the pain, and held on to others so they’re reminded they are never alone. my “thunder thighs” could use some firming up but they have a strength of their own. they’ve kept me moving when all i wanted to do is sit still and mourn.

    my body is not that of a super model but i’m learning to see it as beautiful.

    Moms cry

    Like a lot.

    I think I cry more now than I ever did as a child. That may be an exaggeration as I sit here trying to hold my tears in now.

    Raising a preschooler is hard. Raising one while having an infant and fresh marriage is even harder. Everyone says that they’re at the age of testing limits and learning boundaries. Well I’m convinced mine just isn’t learning and I’m at my wits end.

    My mom thinks that the cure is to just send her to her. No. That’s not the answer. She needs to learn to have some sense–here and I’m not giving my child to someone else to raise. That just doesn’t make sense though after tonight, I’m giving it a second thought.

    Yesterday was a decent day. She was great up until she got sleepy and needed a nap. Her thing now is that she doesn’t want to take naps and our afternoons/evenings are hell because of it. She loses control over her mouth and body. It’s the craziest thing. And no, it’s not because she needs more exercise. She runs and plays and it just hypes her up even more.

    While yesterday she was a star child for the most part, today she was an embarrassment. At church she was reckless then I had D take her to the fresh beat band concert where apparently she was even worse. Then after D had given her some directions to go to bed she decided to try and break loose and run. Where? I have no clue.

    She acts out and I feel like the terrible mom. I’m sitting her trying to figure out where I went wrong. I took no drugs when having her, she was breastfed then put on organic baby food, I did the conservative immunization schedule. And still, she acts like she’s got no fucking sense when I know she has it!!!! She’s the best big sister, has a great sense of humor and is so smart. She’s got the greatest smile and is an awesome helper. But I just can’t for the life of me understand why she chooses this behavior.

    Am I a bad mom? Is this normal?

    red velvet cookies

    i didn’t know what red velvet was until i moved to the south. and then i fell in love.

    red velvet is like my red lipstick. it’s something i need in my life. well, maybe my thighs and stomach don’t need them but man, red velvet anything is delicious.

    since i’m not much of a cake eater but i love cookies, i decided to try my hand at making them myself. with the following batter, i made some basic red velvet cookies and then i dipped some oreos in there and made those too. oreos are definitely my favorite cookies so naturally these things went together in my head.

    red velvet cookies:

      • 1 1/3 cups all-purpose flour
      • 2 tablespoons cocoa powder
      • 1 teaspoon baking powder
      • 1/4 teaspoon baking soda
      • 1/2 teaspoon salt
      • 1/4 cup butter, room temperature
      • 1 cup sugar
      • 2 eggs
      • 2 tablespoons buttermilk
      • 2 teaspoons apple cider vinegar
      • 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
      • 1 tablespoon red food coloring

    i just mixed the ingredients together and baked at 375 for 10 min.

    voila! deliciousness is yours!