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    5 Love Languages For Couples in Action

    If you haven’t heard of the 5 Love Languages by now you’ve got a little catching up to do. I was first introduced to them during pre-marital counseling with my first husband. Yes, we did pre-marital counseling that was awesome and STILL got divorced. During the counseling sessions, we took a little test that showed what our love language is and what our partners’ were and how they related. From there we also learned how to make our significant others feel loved based on this language. But let me back up some…

    How to Apply Them to Marriage

    The 5 Love Languages is a concept developed by Dr. Gary Chapman. In a nutshell, your love language is how you see and feel love from others. Dr. Chapman has narrowed down love languages into these 5 categories:

    1. Words of Affirmation
    2. Acts of Service
    3. Receiving Gifts
    4. Quality Time
    5. Physical Affection

    When I first took the test, I was a solid “Acts of Service” girl with nothing else coming close to it. If you wanted me to know that you loved me, then doing things for me was the way to show me. It’s amazing how things have changed for me in almost 10 years. My love language is still Acts of Service but it’s followed closely by Words of Affirmation. My husband, on the other hand, scored high in Physical Affection and Quality Time. But what does this mean and how does this affect our marriage?

    Love Is An Action Verb

    It’s one thing for someone to just tell you they love you but it’s a whole other thing for them to show this to you and you feel it. Growing up I think I was infatuated with this whole idea of love. I loved the idea of love. You know, the romance, the butterflies, the googley eyes. All of it. And I honestly thought that love was just that–the bringing of flowers/candy/et al. I thought love was that squishy feeling that you had when you were infatuated with someone. As I got older, I learned what love is and that while most people think it’s a feeling, it’s actually an action. Understanding what love looks like to me helps me communicate my needs to my husband. It also helps him understand what he can do to show me that he loves me and vice versa.

    Feeling Love Breaks Barriers

    I was one of those women that had lots of walls. Having previously been in a marriage where my ex-husband would do things that intentionally hurt me and then becoming a single mom, I had walls that were harder than Fort Knox to break through. But then my husband made our first Christmas happen. My car had broken down and I wanted to spend Christmas with my mom in Myrtle Beach. He drove our oldest daughter and I there and spent it with me instead of his family. This was huge to me because he took something that was a source of incredible stress and handled it with such ease. My walls came tumbling down faster than the London Bridge fell. At the time he didn’t know that Acts of Service was my love language but I think that’s what made it that much more genuine.

    It’s a Tool For Success

    How many times have you thought that your partner just wasn’t making you feel loved? Or how many times have you done something for your partner that you would have been excited about only to have them give a drab response? Understanding how to love and how you see love nips all this in the bud. Sure, the best way to a man’s heart is through his stomach but unless you want to be married to the Nutty Professor, you may want to start looking into other ways to show him that you love him. And as a woman, being able to articulate to a man (or other woman) what you need is crucial. So often we want for something that we just can’t put our fingers on, but now you can. I know that if I’m feeling cranky or neglected our kitchen is usually a mess. I know, random, but for me when my husband cleans the kitchen after I’ve made him a delicious meal, that screams, “BABE I LOVE YOU AND THANK YOU FOR THAT FOOD!!!!”

    Become Fluent in Your Partners Language

    Fluency in love is just like becoming fluent in any other language–it takes daily practice. So if your spouse’s love language is Physical Affection, this might look like making sure that you are hugging or kissing them at least 12 times a day–not just sex. If they are a Words of Affirmation, tell them the things that you appreciate that they do or leave them a love note. If they are an Acts of Service person like me, take a task that is normally stressful for them or they hate doing and just do it–don’t ask them what they need help with, just do it. If your person sees Quality Time as love, make sure that you’re intentionally carving out some one-on-one time with them. And if they love gifts, don’t just buy them anything, get them something that they love or makes you think of them. But practice this daily.

    Although I love being a mom, I love being my husbands wife too. I love marriage and all of the wonderful things that it brings. Using these tools will definitely help your home get or stay happy. Make loving your partner a priority and they’ll make loving you a priority too.

    Have you heard of the 5 Love Languages before? What’s your love language?

    Need to know your/your partners love language? Check out the questionnaire here and be sure to send it to them too!

     

    How Did You Know He Was The One?

    I was sitting and chatting with my “little brother” and we were talking about our relationships. He’s kind of in and out of a relationship with a young lady that he thinks could be the one when he asked me how I knew that he was it. Truth be told, I knew that if we were to date, he would be it.

    My husband and I met at work. I still remember the first time our eyes met. His eyes were so kind and his smile so genuine that a warmth filled me. He worked the same position as me and ended up training me. We would talk for hours at work about anything and everything. I developed the biggest crush on him and after a rather embarrassing moment, we started dating. After our first date, I knew this was it.

    He Has Good Taste In Books

    I know… How is this the first point? I love reading and I may or may not judge people based upon the books they read. We read “The Suspect of Devotion X” together. This book is amazing. The plot twists and genius story line leaves you with your mouth dropped by the end of the book. This book was chosen by him and the fact that he chose such a smart book made me think very highly of him and spoke to his own thinking.

    He Knows Everything About Me and Loves Me More

    I’m not perfect. I have a past. There’s a lot that’s happened prior to him and he knows every.single.thing. It’s a lot to digest. Hell, I went through it and it’s a lot for me to digest but he did it easily and loves me more because it’s what made me who I am today.

    He Loves My Mini

    He and mini have a bond outside of he and I. When we started dating and it was finally time for her to meet him, she said, “Mommy can we take him home?” It was the sweetest thing. Watching them together healed a lot of my hurt and stress. To this day, she still lights up hearing his voice or seeing him and that speaks volumes.

    He’s Incredibly Smart

    Man is he smart. We can sit and talk about anything and everything. He has the most random and pertinent knowledge. I love talking to him and listening to his thoughts on everything. I love the different perspective that he offers with his life experiences.

    He Pushes Me To Be Better

    Most would already describe me as determined and a go-getter but I have a habit of taking shortcuts. But he pushes me to be better and not let me take those shortcuts. He wants me to be the best that I can be and sees the beauty of who I am–flaws and all.

    I Can’t See My Life Without Him

    He is my best friend, confidante, lover, everything. I remember talking to my friend Jason about what made him propose to his then wife and he said that he couldn’t see his life without her so why not be with her for forever. It’s such a simple notion that it’s complex. I normally have issues with commitment but not with him. I don’t want to be without him. He balances me.

    I love being married to him. Marriage has been a truly amazing experience thus far. My forever looks great because I chose an amazing man to be committed to for eternity.

    Married friends, what qualities made your spouse “the one”? How did you know they  were it?

    Dear Husband: I Need You

    husband21It’s amazing the moments that make you realize the goldmine that you have in your spouse.

    Vacation is what has done it for me.

    See, I have a husband that LOVES being married and LOVES being a father with all that it comes with. We have a very balanced relationship. As in if the baby is screaming and doesn’t want me, he comes over and trades a glass of wine for the baby without prompting. Being married to my husband has spoiled me insanely. I love it but when he’s not with me, it’s me that’s crying!

    As wives, there are definitely certain times that we want our husbands <insert adult time>. But there’s also those times that we NEED them as well. These are those times:

    We Need You To Hold Us During Tough Times

    A tough time can be anything from the baby screaming all night to a rough day at work to her having issues with someone else. As baby abc screamed her head off for hours, not only did I need my husband to take her so that he could rock her to sleep, but I needed him to hold me after she went down. Being a mother and wife is tiring. I wouldn’t change my roles for anything in the world but I need my husband to balance me. I’m strong. But I’m not a rock as I have feelings an emotions. When my babies scream and cry and hurt, it hurts me. It drains me to hear them cry. My husband helps me to re-fill my well so I’m able to give more of myself to all of them. His hugs and snuggles give me that moment I need to shield myself from the elements of the world so I can re-attack them with fervor and a smile. All of us wives need this moment with our spouses.

    We Need To Laugh With You

    It’s funny, whenever I have the kids and he’s not around, the first thing I want to do is call him to laugh about something that they had done. I remember mini crying to me about something that was incredibly important to her in the moment and then she farted. I could not keep it together and I burst out laughing. Naturally she laughed as well since we’re nothing but a bunch of goofballs but that night D and I laughed for at least an hour about that! Laughing is my favorite thing to do with him. It’s not just wives that need these moments of laughter, spouses do too. No woman wants to feel like the wife Kevin Hart described as a fun-hater. And truthfully, no husband wants to feel that way about their wife. Laughter brings people closer.

    We Need To Be Able to Do Nothing

    The first “I miss you” text I sent to my husband said, “Babe, I miss sitting and doing nothing with you.” Yes, we sit on the couch and do absolutely nothing together. Sometimes the TV is on. Sometimes it isn’t. Sometimes I’m writing. Sometimes we’re both staring into space. Sometimes we’re both on our phones. Pretty much every evening there’s at lease 30min-1hour that we don’t talk, we just exist in each other’s space. Not having to constantly be “on” is such an intimacy builder. Knowing that I don’t always have to have something witty to say (which is rare) or cater to some conversation when I’d rather be silently destressing from the day is so comforting.

    We Need You To Be What We Aren’t

    I am an action-oriented go-getter. Once my mind is set on doing something, it takes a lot to make me stop. I’m what my friends consider more hippie like. I’m adaptable. I’m passionate. And my husband isn’t quite all of these things. He isn’t a big risk-taker–he calculates his moves. He moves slower than I do and will often take longer to get to his destination. He’s grounded and mellow–until upset. We balance each other out so well as individuals and this is evident in our parenting as well. Mini is so much like me that together we can often spontaneously combust. D can see the signs of this before they happen and is good at taking her to the park, to play a game or dance it out before I lose all my patience. Same thing with the baby. Sometimes I don’t see that my patience is waning and he does. Without me having to ask, he’ll rock the baby to sleep or take her for a walk or sit and play with her while I have some time to unwind my nerves.

    We Need You To Enjoy Your Roles With Us

    b2d2cbd28dc1751582fb001a6cb2b0c3This is a major “need”. D and I often joke about how we’re happy that neither of us feels as though we have a ball and chain now that we’re married. So often you hear men talk ill of their marriages or they don’t rush home to be with their families. This isn’t us. And no spouse wants to feel like this is what their marriage is. We need you to enjoy your role as our spouse. We want you to want to be with us because you enjoy what we have. And the same goes for fatherhood. Get rid of the mentality that you babysit your children. They’re yours. You can’t babysit them! I’ve not met a father my age that enjoys his role as a father as much as D does. He loves mini and abc so much and loves everything about his role with them. He’s at ballet recitals, school performances, graduations, first days, last days. He gets up without complaint to rock abc to sleep, changes diapers without being asked, does 3am Tylenol runs happily.

    I’m blessed to have a husband that loves me the way he does. But I’m not the only one who has needs as a wife.

    What other “needs” do you have of your spouse? 

    I Appreciate You

    The hubs and are getting ready to conclude our first year of marriage. In this first year of marriage we’ve had a new baby and have been parenting our 5 year old daughter. He’s gotten a new job. I’ve started a new business. Needless to say our first year is nothing short of transitional. We generally don’t fight or argue. Disagreements are rare. But he puts up with a lot and I appreciate him.

    Right now i’m having a serious insecurity trip about my body. When I stepped on the scale at the doctors office when getting checked out, the numbers seriously disappointed me. If i wasn’t already in tons of physical pain, I probably would have burst into tears on the spot. I feel huge. Fluffy. Pretty, but there’s a lot more of me to prettify now. My clothes don’t fit. My list of critiques are seemingly endless.

    But all my husband sees is me being beautiful.

    I appreciate how he doesn’t do double takes at other women.

    I’m not so insecure that I think he’d cheat but I’m sure that if I caught my husband who’s eyes i wanted to keep on me looking elsewhere, that sting would feel more like a California forest fire. But he doesn’t look. He doesn’t even seem to see other women.

    I appreciate how he always looks at me as if it were his first time seeing me.

    I’ve never seen him look at anyone the way he looks at me. Sure, he tells me i’m beautiful. He tells me he loves me just the way I am. He tells me a lot but the most telling thing to me is the look in his eyes when he sees me get out the shower. Or when he’s watching me with our girls. Or just period. It’s as if his eyes were only meant for me.

    I appreciate how no matter how much I beat up on myself, highlight all my imperfections am hard on myself, he disregards what I see and continues to see me through his lens.

    He doesn’t seem to care if my waistline returns from vacationing in Cabo or not. He still loves me in dresses and skirts and heels. He thinks I’m beautiful in the morning when I smell like sleep or the evening when I smell of milk and baby.

    It’s not easy being a new mom and wife but it certainly can’t be easy supporting that woman. And he is my rock on all levels so I certainly appreciate him. He is warm, kind, loving, and caring in the midst of all that he’s dealing with as well.

    The relationship between a husband and wife is sacred and should be held close to the heart daily. Anniversaries, holidays, birthdays, etc., are all great days to celebrate and appreciate your love the best day is today.

    Beyonce Has Made Me A Better Wife

    Don’t judge me based upon this title—just wait till you get to the end of the post.

    I’m no Beyonce stan. I’m not a member of the “Bey-hive”. I do love her music and I think she’s absolutely beautiful and I do covet her thighs. I mean, have you seen some of the moves she does in 278378-inch stilettos? Yes.Ma’am. I’m 100% here for that strength she has.

    After her most recent album, Bey was under fire. She was sharing her sexy secrets with the world. No one cares about Victoria’s Secrets when Bey was sharing her secrets of “surf-boarding”, love of “watermelon”, and what happens behind that partition. People weren’t expecting this raw and uninhibited side of Bey where she held nothing back. I loved it. And this most recent album has made me a better wife.

    Beyonce Is a Mom Too—But She’s Still Sexy

    As a mom of 2, finding my sexy to bring back Timberlake style was difficult to say the least. I’m soft and squishy in the places that I want to be svelt. This actually works for motherhood. I’m huggable and snuggly for my girls. But I’m more than a mother—I’m a wife. And as much as I love my role as mother, I love my role as wife even more—with all that’s included. There’s nothing sexier than a woman who is secure with herself. Granted, I’m not 100% there yet, but when I turn on this most recent album, it’s hard not to feel sexy and exude that.

    Her Music Is Inappropriate For My Girls

    Why does this make me a better wife right? Some things should be just for us. Granted, D doesn’t love Bey the way I do, but there’ve been some performances done to certain songs that he remembers when the song comes on. It’s nice to be able to share the suggestive glances, sly smiles, and little giggles for things that are JUST for us. Marriages need that. It keeps things spicy and everyone likes spicy!

    It Provides Balance in My Day to Day Thinking

    I normally listen to music throughout the day. I like a variety of genres and artists. My day is filled with thoughts of meal plans, grocery lists, blog post ideas, activities to do with the kids, play dates to plan, how to keep my house/car/etc clean, exercise ideas—you get the idea. When I turn on my Beyonce station on, for those moments my thoughts are on nothing but him and “our” time. Because she has everything from “Halo” to “Partition”, my thoughts vary from the lovey dovey feelings to nasty thoughts—also very necessary. Some people have a KitKat to take their break, I have “Drunk in Love”.

    I love being a wife. Honestly speaking, having a baby makes it hard to be present in all aspects of the role. Any little help that I can get is certainly welcome and Bey’s music gives me that little bit of sass that reminds of me of the sexy woman that I already am-fluff included.