I thought I had hit rock bottom when I had admitted to not being able to see my physical beauty any longer after having abc. But I didn’t. I hit it recently when I found myself just angry all the time and hating everything.
I wasn’t mad at anyone in particular. Well, maybe I was. But it was me. I was mad at myself.
Why be mad right? It seems that I have everything I wanted–and I do. I no longer work for anyone. I have the best husband the world could ever give me. I have 2 healthy and happy kids. I’m healthy too. But I wasn’t happy. How could I possibly be happy when I hated myself?
I think I finally realized it about a week ago. I was looking in the mirror and all I could see was the weight that I’d gained, the scars that my eczema had left, the post-partum hair breakage, and the allergic reaction that I was having under my eyes. I hated everything that I saw. And I felt like the world hated me too. I’d stopped getting responses for pitches, no sales in my store, no motivation to do anything.
I felt like my kids hated me too and thus my patience was thin. Abc’s slaps in the face as she fought sleep hurt more and felt like stabs to the heart. Mini’s constant lack of listening felt like she was saying that my words weren’t good enough to listen to instead of just a 6 year old being a 6 year old. And then my mom was in town and I think that’s when it came crashing down. She didn’t look proud of me. She corrected every little thing that I did with my kids and downed every decision I made to my husband. Not even the person who birthed me was proud.
At this point in the past, I normally breakdown and just stop moving. I go into a semi-catatonic state just laying in the bed for as long as it typically took to shake. And I did that on Valentine’s Day with my kids and husband laying around with me. Their presence felt supportive as we watched episode after episode of whatever Disney show mini is addicted to. They let me lay and wallow and they didn’t say anything as I sorted through my thoughts and organized my feelings separating what was reality, what I could control, and what I just needed to let go.
Growing up with a brother who was perfect at everything, I always felt like I needed to show that I was worthy of my parents approval. This feeling and scarring that I’m dealing with as an adult is the root of the post behind me having a favorite child. Here’s the thing, I want my kids to grow up to do the things that make THEM proud, not seeking the approval that may or may not come from my husband and I. I want for them to proud of themselves and not worry about pleasing everyone around them–like I do. This is something that I consciously have to let go of time and time again. While my mother did tell me that she IS proud of me, it shouldn’t matter. What needs to matter to me is that I AM proud of me and this feeling shouldn’t be dependent on anyone but me.
What’s Real vs Fake
No one hates me. Ok, I’m sure that there’s at least a handful of people that do but the masses don’t. How do I know? It’s not because I try really hard to please everyone (though most times I do), but it’s because I’m genuinely a good person. I like people. Black, white, Asian, Indian, Alien. I like people–on most days. But I believe in being good to others so the idea that everyone hates me is absurd.
What I Can Control
This is the hardest part for me. I can control a lot–but there’s more that I can’t control and these things, I need to stop focusing on. When I look in the mirror, I was mad, angry, frustrated, disappointed. I couldn’t believe that I had let myself and my health go the way that I have. I’ve never been as big or as heavy as I am now and I’m in shock that I’m here. But here’s the thing that I have to realize and fully digest: My self-worth and self-love is not dependent upon a number on a scale.
I haven’t been giving 100% at the gym. I haven’t been 100% with my nutrition. I haven’t been 100% with my business. And these are the things that I CAN control. When I see myself, I CAN change how I feel. I have full control over my attitude about things and that’s what I need to be focused on. In this microwave society that we live in, we expect for things to change over night and when they don’t, we quit them. I’m guilty of this. But this too is something that I can control and will.
While I can’t believe that I’d let myself go so much physically, I couldn’t believe I’d let myself go so much mentally or emotionally. Everything has been affected by this and I’m more disappointed in the fact that I’d allowed myself to hate the person that I fought hard to become and love. But I envisioned how I used to be. I saw my smile so full and bright. I saw the patience I had with my mini that fostered her growth. I heard my laugh that was so loud and contagious. I felt the love and happiness I had. And I wanted it back.
I woke up the other day and I decided to stop hating myself and am actively loving me and the life I’ve created.