There was once a time that I loved going to the gym. I felt strong and prepared and even comfortable enough to joke around with other members that I had seen on various occasions. That time is not now. Now, I hate going to the gym. It’s not because I don’t feel like working out–in fact, it’s the quite opposite. I enjoy the workout but my size and weight have made me so incredibly self-conscious, I have to give myself a pep talk to get out my house.
Why I Hate Going To The Gym
It’s New Year Resolution season and the gym is more populated now than ever. I want you to understand that everything that comes AFTER this sentence, I understand is all in my head and probably NOT reality. But with more people in the gym, that’s more people judging me and how big I’ve gotten. Yes, yes, I know. They are probably focused on their workouts and don’t even notice me–unless I fall again. Yes, again.
I’m SUPER Awkward
Outside of pregnancy, THIS is the biggest I’ve ever been. With my new and not so improved size comes a level of awkwardness that makes me unsure of just about everything.
Did I put my foot on the elliptical pedal right?
Are my shoelaces too tight?
Does everyone know that I’ve been out the gym for like, ever?
Oh, and then I fell my first day back in the gym so now I relive that moment every.single.time.
I’m Really Uncomfortable
I’m just not very comfortable in my skin right now. My workout clothes don’t fit the way that I want them too. My shirts ride up in the back, my pants fall down, I feel like a sausage in casing. It’s just super uncomfortable. And then I sweat like a lot. Not just your average amount of sweat, but like sweat pouring out of ever single pore that I have. Yeah. Not comfortable to be big and sweaty.
I Jiggle A Lot
Not in like the cute Destiny’s Child kind of jiggle but like in the, “Oh My Gosh Becky Look At Her Butt” kind of jiggle. It’s scary man. I feel like the marshmallow man from Ghost Busters when I’m walking around.
But here’s the good thing: I show up.
Every week I show up feeling awkward, uncomfortable, sweaty and jiggly.
The gym that I go to has great child care and they love loving on each of the kids individually. I don’t worry about them as I take the 2 hours I get to myself to blast my music full of curse words into my ears as I work to make myself better and healthier so I can keep up with them.
I’m shocked and disappointed that my body has gotten to this point. I’m incredibly insecure. But I’m a work in progress. I’m committed to making better choices for my health because that’s the person I want to be. But man, this is hard place to be in–especially since I hate going to the gym!
Have you ever hated going to the gym? How’d you get over it?