I went to the doctor for my check up and yes, there is in fact still a baby in my belly. My due date isn’t until 8.23.17 but for some reason everyone thinks he’s supposed to be here already. He’s not and I’m pretty sure I know the reason why.
I may not be ready to let him go.
No, I don’t want to be pregnant for forever
But we live in a world where black boys have the odds stacked against them. We live in a world where everyday I’m scared that my husband may become a hashtag. We live in a world today where racism is alive and well and threatening my people’s very existence. And this is the only time that I can protect him 100% with my body.
While I don’t want to be pregnant for forever, I desperately want the safety of my children. This is the last one I’m going to have and I don’t trust the world with the 2 I’ve already created.
I’m stressed as hell
Between family stuff going on that somehow still puts everyone else’s needs before mine, re-sleep training my children, and constantly being asked if he’s here while handling being treated like a freak when I leave the house, I am beyond stressed out. People think it’s fun and funny to make remarks on pregnant women’s body’s and it’s not. Last weekend I broke down in tears after spending abc’s birthday at the aquarium listening to the comments of “you’re huge! Twins, right? Is your water going to break now? Are you dilated?” And yes, people seem to think that asking strangers about their vaginas while making inappropriate comments on my body is ok. It’s not.
After getting home from dealing with this, we get asked again when the baby is coming. Now, I don’t normally curse on my blog (I save this charming feature for in person) but WE DON’T KNOW WHEN THE BABY IS FUCKING COMING! Simple as that. Because of all the calls, texts and just downright annoying inquiries, I probably won’t make an announcement until I have a blog post coming that has to do with him.
I’m ready for him, but not ready to share him
Like I said, this is the final member of our family that I’ll be giving birth to. This is incredibly special to me. Like very near and dear to my heart. I will never again feel another person moving inside my body. My body will never again grow a person from a single egg. I will never feel the butterfly flutter when I can finally feel them kick. I’ll never again be puking because of morning sickness. I’ll never eagerly anticipate a 20 week mark. I’ll never search tirelessly for things that are just right for my new baby.
This is it.
#ColePartyOf5 is complete and while I can’t wait to meet him, I don’t want to share my final baby just yet. While he’s inside, he’s mine. Only I can feel his rolling around unless he’s kicking one of his sister that’s squishing him as they get their hair done. Only I can feel the “thump-thump” of the hiccups unless his daddy reaches over to snuggle him. Only I get to feel his response as I tell him that it’s ok to come out and that I promise I’ll keep him as safe as I can.
I know he’s ready to come and take the world by storm. And I’m getting ready now.